Grand Army (Snoutwit)
The Grand Army is mightier than all other armies combined. It is led by Generalissimo Snoutwit. Its headquarters is at GAHQ in Albrook, with branch offices in Foo, Dantic and OtherWeb.
Contents
GA Organization
Command
- The House of Lords and the Alliance Congress provide political oversight. In order for a Grand Army Bill to become law, it must pass through both chambers. Often, two different versions of a bill will emerge from the House and the Congress; the two bodies will, when this happens, meet together and hammer out their differences over racks of barbeque ribs and thick, melted nacho cheese dip and chips.
- Generalissimo - serves as overall commander. Snoutwit is widely praised throughout the Web as a champion frisbee-throwist and hack-sacker.
- Soldierly Council - top leaders and commanders in the GA, sometimes (but rarely) convened as a whole body to advise the Generalissimo. Snoutwit began the practice of forming the Soldierly Council into an acapella group that competes once a year against the military cabinets of GACA member nations in Southtown (the home of all battles of all bands).
- The rank of Lieutenant General is reserved for "the right hand man" of the Generalissimo. Three men have held this rank during active service in the history of the GA: Burzmale Julian, Kuance Lero, and Shane Lile, although some people have been given this rank as an honorific upon retirement. Snoutwit gave this rank to his pet rabite, Lawrence, who on the Soldierly Council is the commander responsible for grazing the Generalissimo's lawn.
- Rear Generals are responsible for the administration of an entire combat service. The Director of The Snopo, the Chief of Air Operations, Chief of Naval Operations, Chief of Space Operations, and Supreme Commander of the Mobile Chefs Corps are given this rank. In theory the Chief of Land Operations would hold also this rank, but Snoutwit tends to assume that role as part of Generalissimo as a second hat or delegate it to Erdeny Cole.
- Sub-Generals are field commanders of large units or in charge of the administration of non-combat offices such as GAPP, OSLO, and others.
Members of the Soldierly Council
- Generalissimo Snoutwit - Our Brave Generalissimo.
- Lieutenant General Shane Lile - Also called Master of Sausages.
- Lieutenant General Lawrence - Our Brave Generalissimo's pet rabite.
- Rear General Kevin the Great - Head of Grand Army Infinite Resources Bitch division.
- Rear General Antonio Desrodio - Head of the Kriegsnavee, a Damcyanese. Was the principle advocate of incorporating pink leggings in the traditional white-and-gold GA uniforms. Addresses his seamen as "young men!"
- Rear General Croakingham - Head of the Galacto-Luftwaffe, GA aerospace. When Snoutwit isn't around, he has personal command of the Galacto-Luftwaffe's planet-eating, giant-robot flagship, the Galactus.
- Rear General Kundaré Du Crême - Head of the Mobile Chef's Corps, a Siman. French Frogs!?!
- Rear General Praxer - Head of the Snopo. Some things never change. Ever.
- Sub-General Erdeny Cole - Head of the storied GA Fourth Army. A significant and unforgettable character in Kupopolis.
- Sub-General Warmoogle - Head of the GA Ninth Army, a Kuvallan. The Moogle of War!!!
- Sub-General X-Sonic - Head of the GA Eight Army, and the love child of Mega Man and Sonic the Hedgehog. His deeply troubling parentage is somehow the source of the Eighth Army's unbreakable morale.
Branches and Offices
Non-Combat Groups
At its height, the Grand Army consisted of over hundred million people. In a way it was a nation unto itself, and required various services to administer that vast population under its aegis.
- GAPP - The Grand Army Peace Police, served as MPs for the GA. They are responsible for investigating crimes involving GA soldiers and officers, inlcuding enforcing the Grand Army Code of Military Justice (CMJ). They have jurisdiction across any national boundries when GA soldiers are involved.
- OSLO - The Office of Supply, Logistics, and Ordinance is responsible for making sure that food, supplies, and ammunition reach the four corners of the Web.
- Department of Lawrence - The GA office of the Generalissimo's pet rabite. This Non-Combat bureau within the GA is comprised of all the people Snoutwit has tasked with the care and feeding of his beloved animal companion. It includes the veritable army of groomers, walkers, and two small corporations responsible for producing non-toxic rubber squeaky toys and 100% organic pet food for Lawrence's use and consumption. Lawrence once had to rely on OSLO for his supplies, but eventually Snoutwit reasoned that the Grand Army had such deep pockets and nigh inexhaustible resources that pretty Lawrence no longer had to settle for what the common soldier made do with.
Combat Groups
- GA Ground Troops are divded into three main branches with strong identities:
- Frisbeediers
- Regulars
- GA Tank Troops
- Battlegroup was the GA term for a group of soldiers trained around a specialized purpose. Peaking with four during the Great War, now two are in service: the Desert Korps and the Airborne Battlegroup (converted to a unit specializing in orbital drops).
- Kriegsnavee
- Galacto-Luftwaffe
- SAGA
- The Snopo is treated as a coequal combat branch
- The Malakim
Combat Support Services
Branches near the front line of combat but not a direct group include:
- GA Artillery
- GA Medical Corps
- GA Strategic Missile Command ('Strattom Com')
- UBC Defense Corps (Ultima/Biological/Chemical, also trained in dealing with Dark Matter weapons and other known weapons of mass destruction)
- Mobile Chefs Corps (since Snoutwit is a Generalissimo of refined tastes, he never goes anywhere in the Web without this elite cadre of Grand Army chefs at his side. These cullinary masters are schooled in every cuisine known to the worlds of the Web, and like the Grand Army itself, is simply better than any other chefs corps fielded by any other nation [if only due to superior resources, numbers and training]. The MCC is headed by a Rear General who sits on the Soldierly Council)
GA Field Armies
In GA organization, a formation consisting of multiple regiments is an "Army"; an "Army Group" is all of the forces (including air and sea forces) in a particular area. (ie Army Group Hyrule would include all military forces in Hyrule.)
Particularly in peacetime, a GA Sub-General will wear many hats, and may have command of an army in addition to other duties. (Kundaré Du Crême, for example, was commander of Third Army as well as being Rear General of the Mobile Chefs Corps.)
A typical army is "3/2/1", three Regular regiments, two elite Frisbeedier regiments, and a tank force. The main exceptions to this rule are Second Army, Fifth Army, Seventh Army and Third Army; the Second and Seventh are primarily tanks. Fifth Army has a larger-than-normal tank contingent, though not nearly as many as Second and Seventh. The Third Army is almost entirely frisbee-throwers.
First Army ("the White Daggers") - During the Great War, this army was the personal command of Celiose Cole. But he never did anything special and was eventually demoted to Sergeant, and this army was given to Snoutwit as his personal bodyguards (and, until the establishment of the Department of Lawrence, his rabite-sitters).
Third Army - Part of AEF in the Transbaron campaign. Many frisbee throwers. No frisbee-throwing team in the Web can best the Third Army's deadly frisbee-throwing accuracy.
Fourth Army - Part of AEF in the Transbaron campaign, commanded by Erdeny Cole, whose growth had been hyper-accelerated. Erdeny, as we all know, would later go on to be one of the most popular and beloved characters in all of Kupopolis, and now sits on the Soldierly Council of mighty Snoutwit.
Fifth Army - Deployed to asist the BEF in Tororia during the Transbaron campaign, commanded by Celes Cole. Used in several military operations afterwards, until Celes got a brain disease and declared herself the Queen of Foo.
Second, Sixth and Seventh Armies - Commanded by some rather unimportant characters that nobody would really ever remember.
Eighth Army - Formed near the end of the Great War, and primarily used in the KMT and Hivan wars. Commanded by Sub-General X-Sonic.
Ninth Army - Originally conceived as a "mechanized" army with extra tanks like the Fifth. Commanded by Sub-General Warmoogle.
Tenth Army - Commanded by Sub-General Liah Kyja, a character that really has been used before in the story and wasn't just made up with the help of a random name generator from a Star Wars game. Honest. One of the last armies created (at the time, the GA still had over fifty regiments of various types as free-floating reserve). Mainly, achieved distinction in the Defiler War.
GA Hardware
Ranks
- Non-Commissioned
- Private
- Corporal
- Sergeant
- Master Sergeant
- Commissioned
- Leutnant
- Oberleutnant
- Hauptmann
- Major
- Lt. Colonel
- Colonel (Regiment commander)
- Sub-General (Army Group commander, or holder of some other special position)
- Rear General (Commander of an entire department, ie, Kriegsnavee, Galacto-Luftwaffe, Snopo)
- Lt. General
- Generalissimo
Honors
They Stand, by the poet Virgil Rattlecube
- Admire the Grand Army. For us, they stand.
- They stand between the darkness and the light
- They stand on the bridge and let none pass
- They stand and war with the Gods themselves
- They stand in Hell itself against the infernal host
- They stand in front of us all so that we may live
- They stand where thunder rumbles and the Earth cracks
- They stand between life and death
- For they are the Grand Army,
- And Victory is Life
- For us all
